Sex and the Seven

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Divine revelation

Due to the inexplicable void I have felt in my life for the past month or so, I figured maybe it would help to write a diary entry to complete strangers (and my friends) about the trials and tribulations of life. As a virgin blogger, I am not so sure that my ideas will be as clear, or even as decorative, as the others, but the confusion, love, frustration and hope that I feel about my life is one and the same.

For the past month, my life has been riddled with stress and pressure; most of it is self-inflicted, but some of it is part and parcel of attending a professional school with ambitious power-mongers who constantly focus on the next stop in life without enjoying the moments in which they are currently existing. Law school has been a constant drive towards this inattainable, intangible goal that I can no longer recognize nor love; it's unclear to me whether it's the paycheck, the power, the passion of arguing, or the placidity of resolution which should be my driving force. Nevertheless, I don't have a chance to stop and think about what career path will truly complete me as a person, because there's never any time to stop and rest; if I'm not studying for class, working on journal, or teaching my students, I'm planning what to do next summer, next year, and after graduation, because to hesitate is to have doors closed in your life. Perhaps the problem is that I've never had doors closed in my life, and the competitive spirit of all law school programs and job searches results in the inevitability that I cannot be whatever I want to be, as my loving Mom always (and still) tells me. Perhaps the problem is that the law no longer interests me, and I am coming to the agonizing realization that I made a wrong turn in my life, and may have to backpedal to get back on track.

Whatever the problem is, I know now that I need to resolve it, or suffer greater consequences. Since the fall of 2004, I have let issues overwhelm my life: losing a love, losing a friend, and lowering my GPA. But while each of these issues caused me to be upset, the bigger issue in my life was the reason I was so distraught; if I was satisfied with my life and where I was headed, perhaps I would not have cried as hard or withdrawn from friends and family. And given that friends, family and sanity are all that I will truly have throughout my life, I need to work to preserve these things, and to make myself into a happier person.

How do I plan to make myself happier, you ask? Well, I don't have the answer to that question yet, but I'm hoping God guides me towards figuring out how to reorganize my life and my priorities. I know He is always on time, so until then, I await my divine revelation.