Sex and the Seven

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Divine revelation

Due to the inexplicable void I have felt in my life for the past month or so, I figured maybe it would help to write a diary entry to complete strangers (and my friends) about the trials and tribulations of life. As a virgin blogger, I am not so sure that my ideas will be as clear, or even as decorative, as the others, but the confusion, love, frustration and hope that I feel about my life is one and the same.

For the past month, my life has been riddled with stress and pressure; most of it is self-inflicted, but some of it is part and parcel of attending a professional school with ambitious power-mongers who constantly focus on the next stop in life without enjoying the moments in which they are currently existing. Law school has been a constant drive towards this inattainable, intangible goal that I can no longer recognize nor love; it's unclear to me whether it's the paycheck, the power, the passion of arguing, or the placidity of resolution which should be my driving force. Nevertheless, I don't have a chance to stop and think about what career path will truly complete me as a person, because there's never any time to stop and rest; if I'm not studying for class, working on journal, or teaching my students, I'm planning what to do next summer, next year, and after graduation, because to hesitate is to have doors closed in your life. Perhaps the problem is that I've never had doors closed in my life, and the competitive spirit of all law school programs and job searches results in the inevitability that I cannot be whatever I want to be, as my loving Mom always (and still) tells me. Perhaps the problem is that the law no longer interests me, and I am coming to the agonizing realization that I made a wrong turn in my life, and may have to backpedal to get back on track.

Whatever the problem is, I know now that I need to resolve it, or suffer greater consequences. Since the fall of 2004, I have let issues overwhelm my life: losing a love, losing a friend, and lowering my GPA. But while each of these issues caused me to be upset, the bigger issue in my life was the reason I was so distraught; if I was satisfied with my life and where I was headed, perhaps I would not have cried as hard or withdrawn from friends and family. And given that friends, family and sanity are all that I will truly have throughout my life, I need to work to preserve these things, and to make myself into a happier person.

How do I plan to make myself happier, you ask? Well, I don't have the answer to that question yet, but I'm hoping God guides me towards figuring out how to reorganize my life and my priorities. I know He is always on time, so until then, I await my divine revelation.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

State of Relationships

Hold up, wait a minute! So maybe I'm the last to know, and maybe I'm just naive, but WHADDAYOUMEAN that Jada and Will have an open marriage. Now I know that this is not a blog to discuss celebrities and their odd relationship choices, but I feel compelled to address this issue head on. Now I basically think that this is sad and Will and Jada (Jada in particular) have lost their damn minds. Beyond the sheer stupidity of having an open relationship in the day of AIDS and countless other sexually transmitted diseases that are easily spread, this is making a loud statement concerning the state of Black relationships and the Black woman's state of mind. Now why would a beautiful and successful Black woman like Jada Pinkett stand for a relationship in which her husband is allowed to ask for permission to sleep with other women, thereby embarrassing her publicly, and subjecting her to any number of contagions?
The truth is that the state of mind, consciously or subconsciously, of Black women in general, is that much of this behavior must be tolerated because of the grim prospect of the alternative. At a certain level of success the Black woman finds herself in the company of very few Black men who have achieved that same level of success or higher. At this point the pool is shallow and it becomes very difficult to find a suitable partner. As a recently single Black woman this saddens my heart because it is a slap in the face and a wake up call that successful Black men too often think that they are essentially "above the law" so to speak. They recognize the shortage in their own supply and the intense demand by women everywhere. Consequently, they simply act a fool, and we deal with it, or suffer the consequences.
When is this going to end? Is it? Or should those of us who are not currently attached simply get a cute dog and a new pair or Manolo Blahniks and call it a day? And those of us who are attached, brace themselves for the inevitable D-Day when your Black man will too realize his status and borrow his boy's can of "I can't act right"? This problem was illustrated to me in a recent conversation with a good friend who explained to me that her male cousin (about our age) had lost the love of his life to another's arms, and his response was "Gotta let that ho go." That pretty much sums it up. Black men can just let it go, and move on because, no matter how much they love us, they know that there is someone else out there, even if they have to settle just a little. We on the other hand don't have that luxury, at the end of a relationship, one of the first reality checks is the prospect that he might have been the one, and the looming prospect of living life alone because it is so rare to meet someone on your level, who you are attracted to, who is attracted to you, and meets all of the other qualifications necessary for love.
My mantra for 2005 was "Well, you just gotta let something go", but never did I imagine that that something could conceivably be the sanctity of marital vows in exchange for security of simply having someone.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Love Me and Leave Me...

I was raised to understand and appreciate the simple things, to see the power in a loving gesture, and to enjoy someone's company and the happiness that love brings. I choose picnics over Prada, would rather give than receive, and somehow think it's feasible to be patient, irrespective of whether someone is patient with me.

Is it unreasonable to expect respect when mutualistic relationships only warrant reciprocity and to be upset when I buy him things and he forgets to thank me? Should I cry when my gestures of love go unbeknownst to my love and when he accuses me of not loving enough should I take return the accusations, argue, yell and shove? My mother always tells me to take everything to God in prayer. She says that he will calm my fears and teach me how to trust. So I pray that he gives me patience to wait and make me resistant to lust.
Men love us and leave us and never think twice about the way we compromise ourselves and are willing to sacrifice. They always think of themselves and rarely of us. But when the lights are dim, they come, saying "Baby, this is more than a crush." So continue to appreciate the simple things in life and you will prevail. Cause dealing with these fools, will sure enough land you in jail....

To my sisters that have loved and lost, be strong because a better man is sure to come along. I love y'all and will keep you in my heart and prayers... L.Y.G.